Dear Tapeworm,

This is your mommy speaking. I know we don't communicate much, you and I. We've gone through some tough times together. You were unplanned. I never asked to be a mom. When you were growing up, I have to admit that I didn't always want you around. While Mandy Fletcher was flaunting her 6th grade badonkadonk in hip hugger corduroys, you were the reason why my nickname in junior high was "Beverly Beanpole." That really made me resent you. Plus, you were a handful too! Not the easiest tapeworm to carry around. While all the other baby tapeworms lazed around in their parent's colons, fat and languorous, you were spry and active! Causing explosive diarrhea during my PE lessons! Giving me a taste for airplane fare! Making me organize eating contests with college dorm food!

But, I have to admit, now that I am older and wiser, I have come to the realization that I am indeed happy to be your mom. You not only keep me young, you also keep me skinny, and while I didn't appreciate that when I was 12, I sure am appreciative now. It is because of you, little tapeworm, that I can fit into my high school Levis. It's true what they say about kids keeping you young. Except, you keep my ass high and tight too. Not bad for the mom of a 25 year old tapeworm, eh? Whoo! Your mommy's a MILF! Whatcha think about that, huh?

Nonetheless, as you have grown and matured over the years, I fear that I may have neglected the development of your heritage.You see, you're not really "of my bloodline," as they say in China. I was never certain of your ethnic makeup, because you were conceived during a dark period in my life (I was 3, and your grandmother decided to put me on a macrobiotic diet, I ingested you along with some unwashed lettuce leaves). Growing up in Singapore and Southern California made it more difficult to pinpoint your ethnicity. You had a taste for everything, from chilli crab at the Raffles Hotel, to Taco Loco in Laguna Beach. It is only recently that I have concluded that you, my little tapeworm, are Jewish.

I always had my suspicions. The never ending love for Chinese food, even Panda Express, the kind that Chinese people won't touch. A love for all you can eat Las Vegas buffet spreads. Constant trips to the deli for rye sandwiches. Sneaking dinner rolls into my purse when out at dinner. And, strangely enough, an aversion to leavening during Passover, gorging on cheese blintzes during Sukkot, and no appetite at all over Yom Kippur.

So you see, little tapeworm, even though your mommy is ethnically Chinese, you're a Jew! And because Rosh Hashanah starts at sundown today, I find it especially poignant to wish you a very Happy New Year. Tomorrow night, while we celebrate the traditions of a proud and long lineage of all the other Jewish tapeworms before you, I will feed you apples and honey, and wish you a sweet year ahead.

Shana Tovah, Little Tapeworm.

Much love,
Mommy

So, you've enrolled your kids in the middle school down the street, refinanced your suburban track home, leased that brand new Honda Passport, and enrolled in your employer's 401K plan. Time to sit back and relax in that bubbling stew of cultural assimilation, right? Wrong.

I have news for you, Rashid. You're not an American yet. Neither am I, for that matter. Even though I hold a US passport, dutifully file my taxes every April 15th, and vote in every Presidential election, it took a 3 day cruise to the Bahamas for me to realize that while I do reside in within the continent of the United States, in no way does this translate to qualifying as an American. ¿Quiere usted ser un Americano, mi amigo? A Carnival cruise may well be the best investment you'll ever make. Here's a primer on how to become a true, red-blooded American, weekend cruise style:

1. Food
Dispense with notion that all you need is three square meals of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Real Americans eat, 'round the clock, 24 x 7, no exceptions. Buffet-style meals are key. Forget about "ala carte". This is a fancy French concept for 90 pound weaklings who needed our help in WWII and never said "merci" once. Also, there are no such things as "breakfast foods" or "dinner entrees." If you want a cheeseburger at 8AM or Frosted Flakes at 6PM, go ahead and indulge. It is not only your privilege, it is practically a Constitutional right. You can always pick out a bona fide American quickly, because he's one who, when confronted with a surfeit of fatty foods at a buffet, still breaks into a (grunting) sprint to be first in line.

2. Dress
Comfort is key. Comfort is #1. Comfort supersedes all other elements of dress, including style, form, propriety, and quality. True Americans, like the Carnival cruise-goers, understand that the function of clothing is not express creativity or make a statement. Rather, it should enhance and augment your sole purpose for living. That's right, eating. All you skinny American-wannabes should run to Wal-Mart and buy as many pants with elasticated waists as you can find. Muu-muus, oversized T-shirts, tent-shaped dresses....all these should be the cornerstone of your wardrobe. Bright florals and polka dots are considered festive, so put away your chic black burqhas. You don't want to be a FOB forever, do you?

3. Entertainment
Activities like the opera, drama, theatre, cricket, and tennis are best confined to the Old World. American cruise ship style, we want to see you acclimate by busting out one of the following: The Chicken Dance, The Conga Line, The Electric Slide, or a traditional national favorite, The White Man's Overbite. Lest you think us Americans are all about mindless dancing, you can also choose from an array of wholesome sports, like gambling, shuffleboard, inner tubing, tanning, and (you guessed it) eating.

4. Gender Politics
Perhaps being under surveillance by the Secret Police in Kazakhstan was a drag. How in god's name will Suhail ever ask for your hand in marriage, now that the incriminating photographs of you and that Turkish barber shaving your, ahem, hair, have surfaced? No need to hang your head in dishonor, little harlot. In America, having your Lady Parts shaved by your suitor is de riguer third date protocol! Of course, we understance your initial reticence. Don't worry, if you do as cruise-goers do, lots and lots of Cherry Kamikaze shots should help take the edge off. See? Isn't liberty great?

5. Rules of Engagement
(a) I don't know where you come from, but here in the good ol' USA, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps! We don't believe in rewarding laziness by creating a welfare state, nossir. That's why you can stuff your face as much as you want, but "island drinks" cost extra (slap on an extra $5 for a commemorative cruise highball glass). Don't like it? Well then you can go back to where you came from.

(b) Getting drunk and falling over is fine, as long as you're simultaneously smoking, eating, and wearing a bathing suit ten sizes too small.

(c) Don't feel bad because your husband only coughed up 10 goats for your dowry. Get even. In the cruise-goer's handbook, married American women are allowed to cheat on their husbands if the latter also go on singles cruises. This is the perfect scenario for newly emigrated mujeres, because if things get out of hand, you can always blame it on the effects of the drink.

Welcome to hurricane season.

From my office window, I can see on duty police officers regulating the snaking lines of cars winding around Texaco and Chevron. Every other car is a Hummer. When did Broward suburban moms become Nas wannabes?

I also just came from Publix, where a young family was stocking up on all the necessary hurricane supplies - Ding Dongs, Mountain Dew, Doritos, and about 15 jars of peanut butter and jelly. Fat, sugar, red dye #5. Don't do it, kids. You'll be on Ritalin in three years.All this, and I still have a mandatory 7AM conference call tomorrow morning.Gotta pick and choose, Ernie. You can't go around giving blowjobs to both Bert and the State of Florida. That's just not very neighborly of you.

I know you're a woman about town and all, and this is Girls Night Out, but put down your Cosmopolitan for a second.

Those $500 Blahniks that you're rocking? They look hideous. Did you really have to pick out shoes with little flouncy puffballs on the front? No, they don't look "whimsical." They look like shit, because you have cankles.And that guy whose name you've been flogging all night, the one whom you refer to as "my Mr Big?" Please. Mr Big was a sophisticated, jetsetting, emotionally unavailable millionaire. "Your Mr Big" works for customer support at Bell South, and goes out to bars with his own Dolphins beer cozy.

I'm sorry. Was that mean? You're starting to pick at your hair extensions.

Maybe you shouldn't pound those Cosmos so quickly. After all, we all know that in a bit, you're going to announce to the entire bar that "Samantha Jones is coming out tonight." Then you're going to drunk dial your ex boyfriend to tell him that even though he was a lying, cheating dickhead who doesn't know how to love, you're going to do him the favor of spending the night at his place. Just to show him that you've moved on.And did you really just tell Cathy (who is clearly the group's Miranda because she's bitchy) that you're going to have "ex sex" tonight? Um, keep it on the DL from Marisol, because she is so, like, Charlotte - she only believes in true love. Marisol secretly thinks you're a slut anyway. But you can't stay to too mad at her. Four single, fabulous girls like you need each other to navigate the dating jungle of swingin' Wichita, right?

Finally, could you please spare us fellow diners the blow-by-blow of your "ex sex" tryst last night? I know, I know. That episode of SATC where Miranda went off on how disgusted she was by tucchus lingus was pretty hysterical. But your sex rant isn't. I know you secretly want everyone to eavesdrop on your girltalk. But Carrie had Hollywood script writers crafting her sex rants. You, on the other hand, have contracted crotch rot, and it's just not that funny, honey. It's actually on the gross side, and it's putting me off my food.So please, Amy or whatever your name is, ease up on the calculated sophistication. Look around you. You're not exactly in Manhattan. In fact, you're nowhere close to the Eastern seaboard! We're at a TGIF! In Kansas! Be proud and rock those mommy jeans. They fit your suburban hips so nicely. Order yourself a June Bug and extra spicy buffalo wings. Be yourself, and above all, remember:You are not Carrie Bradshaw.

Three years of living on South Beach brings about certain side effects. One of them is amassing a whole new vocabulary. If you have never visited The Republic of South Beach before, here is a handy glossary of terms for reference. Shots up to date? Sufficient cash? Comfortable shoes? Valid passport? Let's go...

American - Term denoting a person of Caucasian descent. Does not apply to other ethnic groups, inspite of the fact that they might also be "Americans."

Asshole - What people call the bouncer when they can't get into Mynt

Amari - Patron saint of free Finlandia vodka at 3AM

Babe - Blanket salutation for every girl whose name you cannot remember (see "Dude")

Beverly - One of the three Asian girls on South Beach (see "Grace" and "Jenny Yip")

Bisexual - Gay

Bicurious - Gay

Bump - What people do "a little of just to sober up." Taking numerous bumps, as long as they are "little" ones, do not equal a chemical addiction.

Culo - Refers to a woman's posterior, also a handy phrase to use when yelling out the car window to get a girl's attention

Cono - What you say when you turn around to find that someone snaked your $20 cocktail at The Setai

College Degree - Tertiary education conferred upon 0.0000003% of South Beach residents

Conspiracy - Alleged master plan hatched by powerful Latins and Jews to keep the white man down in Dade County

Crunk - (Noun) Specific genre of Dirty South rap popularized by Lil Jon. (Verb) To get excited/wound up while out clubbing.

Carajo - Popular Puerto Rican slang term for "Fuck" (see "un Cono Carajo")

Dating Dilemma - Unfortunate state of affairs stemming from fact that you have gone out with everyone in your peer group on South Beach

Dick - The guy at Pizza Rustica that buys the last slice of thin crust cheese pizza post clubbing at 4am. Also what people call the bouncer when they can't get into Mynt (see "Asshole")

Dwayne Wade - God (see Antonym: "Ricky Williams")

Dude - A blanket salutation for every guy who's name you can't remember

Ecstacy - Popular late 90s recreational drug, still enjoyed by club kids at Mansion and Space

Excedrin - Panacea for those killer morning hangovers

Grace - One of the three Asian girls on South Beach (see "Beverly" and "Jenny Yip")

Jenny Yip - Owner and proprieter of Miss Yip Restaurant. One of the three Asian girls on South beach (see "Beverly" and "Grace")

Jewban - Term denoting a person of Cuban and Jewish heritage. Unofficially responsible for "the Conspiracy" (see "Conspiracy" and "Dating Dilemna")

Job - What most women on South Beach are highly allergic to

La China - Term denoting any woman of Asian descent

Meal Ticket - What makes women flock to The Forge on Wednesday, The Setai on Thursdays, Smith and Wollensky on Fridays, and any condo opening party. (see "I'm A Real Estate Developer")

Memorial Day Weekend - Urban hip hop weekend, reason for mass exodus of the white folk from South Beach

I'm A Real Estate Developer - Most popular man's response to the question, "What do you do?" (see also "Meal Ticket")

I'm A Model - Most popular women's response to the question, "What do you do?" (see also "I'm in Pharmaceutical Sales")

I'm in Pharmaceutical Sales - Most popular unsuccessful model's response to the questions, "What do you do?"

Kendall - Where a person is really from when he/she claims to be from Miami

Parking Spot - Pervasive South Beach urban legend

Peeps - Term denoting close neighborhood/friendly affiliations.

Props - Acknowledgement of superiority, usually earned by sexual conquest

Ray - Personal trainer at Mirador North Tower. Part-time Crusader for Christ

Reggaeton - Genre of music combining Latin and Reggae influences. Popular accompanying sountrack to yelling "Culo" out the car windows (see "Culo")

Ricky Williams - Devil (see Antonym: "Dwayne Wade")

Spanish - Lingua franca of South Beach. What you had better master if you live and work there.

Text message - What you do to let your peeps know that you have arrived at the club (see "Peeps")

Un Cono Carajo - Popular Puerto Rican expression, denoting a person who is good looking from a distance, and hideous up close. Literally translated: "Damn! (She's hot!)...Fuuuckk (She's heinous)"

Vodka Cranberry - What you drink to mask the taste of bad well vodka

Vodka Red Bull - What sounds like a good idea after several Vodka Cranberries

Dear God,

Bev here. I know I have been really shitty at times, making retard jokes, laughing at handicapped drooling kids, and generally being a huge fugging nightmare to telemarketers and Jehovah's Witnesses alike. But tonight, for the first time in 20 odd years, the Heat have an actual shot at winning the NBA title.And since you are the Head Nigga In Charge, I thought I'd cut through the ranks of middle management (Pope, imam, My Little Pony) to get results as quickly as possible.

God, if you let the Heat win the championship title tonight, I will be sure to change my sheets more than once a month and stop picking at that flaky spot on my scalp when no one is looking. I'll even stop stealing orange jellies from the candy bins at Publix. No fucking around here! Just give us a Heat victory, please. I need to know what it's like to root for a winning team. I'm a liberal Democrat and a long time Knicks fan, so you see, unless the Heat win tonight, I might just die a huge, HUGE loser.I also apologize screaming your name out when I was having sex. I wasn't using your name in vain, I swear.

Your humble creation,
Bev

White House, 2:03AM

After the media hoopla died down yesterday night, newly elected Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, called for a private debriefing session. Journalists and media pundits were barred from attending, however our internal sources report that Congresswoman Pelosi brought her trademark flair for bipartisanship to the table. Below is a full transcript of the private debriefing session:

Alright boys and girls, everyone settle down. Cheney, stop playing around with your gun and come sit by me. We don't need you shooting another poor man in the face. Condi! Is that splooge on your face I see? Wipe that crap off and quit blowing Canadian politicians on the sly. Don't stonewall me young lady, I'm not the 9/11 Commission.

Everyone put on your listening ears and if you must speak, raise your hands and wait your turn. Shh! Inside voices guys! That's muuuch better. Now, as you know, America has elected me to be your new mom. This might be confusing for some of you. None of us have ever had a Mommy in charge of the House before, only a Daddy. Mommies do things a little differently from Daddies. So we have some new House rules to go over. What's that, Rumsfeld? You're tired and you want to go home? Be patient, we just need to go over these new....RUMSFELD! Did you just shit your pants again? Oh Jesus. Fucking great. Everywhere you go, you leave a huge mess for everyone to clean up. Fine, grab a Handiwipe and go home now Rumsfeld. Gates can help you with your homework later.

MOM'S NEW HOUSE RULES

1. Don't be a bully
Even though you might be bigger and stronger than someone, it is not ok for you to push them around. You have to learn to play nice with others. Especially the little brown people with guns, like Iraqis or Colombians. You can pick on the English and the French though, they've picked on every kid on the block for centuries.

2. Don't lie
If you did something wrong, say so. Don't tell the Big Reporter with the Microphone a fib, just because you want to look good on TV. Be honest and tell the truth.That Foley boy lied, and now whole world knows that he's a big fat homo. Daddy's even ashamed to be seen with Little Foley in public. If Little Foley had just told the truth to begin with, Mommy and Daddy would still have loved him. Well, at least Mommy would. Daddy's an insensitive prick.

3. Flush after using the bathroom
America does a lot of dirty business in toilets like the Congo, Haiti, Pakistan, and Peru. You don't want the whole world to smell a big stink, so flush after going to the bathroom. If you don't know how to do this yet, ask Uncle Janjaweed and Aunt Bosnia to show you how to ethnic cleanse.

4. Hold hands when crossing the street
There are really big, busy streets out there. Like the United Nations, the European Union, and the World Bank. None of these streets are friendly streets right now, there are lots of people who want to run you American kids over. So until Mommy apologizes to the whole world and they want to be friends with America again, be sure to play nice with your little foreign buddies, and remember to hold hands with them when crossing the street.

5. Show respect to your elders
Under Daddy's rules, you kids got away with things like using the Constitution to wipe your butt and flicking boogers at the Democrats. Things won't be like that anymore. Little Abramoff stole a bunch of money from our Native American friends, and Ken Lay fibbed to corporate shareholders. Now that Mommy's in charge, you have to follow the rules or you'll get a spanking. If you're really bad, you'll get an indictment.

6. Eat your vegetables
Ever wonder why your steaks, cigarettes, and gas are so inexpensive, kids? Because Daddy was what we call "in bed" with Special Interest Groups, like cattle ranchers, tobacco farmers, and Big Oil. These people gave Daddy's friends lots of campaign money, and in return they got what we call "tax breaks." Tax breaks allowed Daddy's friends to sell you all you could eat, smoke and drive, at artificially low prices. Now, if you a small organic farmer, say, Daddy's friends didn't want to play with you. And because they were giving Daddy lots of money, he couldn't play with you either. But Mommy likes to play with organic farmers too, so you kids can now have all the non- GNO vegetables you want.