1. You receive a party invitation. It says that festivities begin at 9PM. You decide to show up at:
a) 1AM. No rush, the first few guests are still arriving, and Jorge the host is still reasonably sober.
b) 10PM. You don't want to be rude, but still want to appear fashionably late.
c) 8:30PM. You want to help Becky out with preparing the tuna fish casserole and cucumber sandwiches.
2. A cop pulls you over. What does he do?
a) Kick the shit out of you and tell you to go back to where you came from
b) Give you a ticket and a stiff warning to go slow around the curves
c) Call you "sir" or "ma'am" and let you go with a wink and a smile
3. You are at Pollo Tropical and the drive through person asks, "Puedo tomo su orden?" You answer
a) "Una comida grande del pollo por favor"
b) "Um...sorry...no habla Espanol."
c) "You fucking wetback!! I've been coming here for five years and you still don't know how to speak English!"
4. Your idea of the perfect man is
a) Ay, nothing matters as long as we love each other, mi amor
b) He must be tall, dark and handsome
c) He must have a trust fund, and family yacht, and be able to trace his family back to the Mayflower
5. Your idea of the perfect woman is
a) She must have a big round culo, bro. Oh yeah, and cook real good too.
b) She must be smart and beautiful
c) She must come from Old Money, but not have any of the genetic defects that come with inbreeding like the Romanovs, or any bloody royal family, old chap.
6. You are at a club and Reggaeton comes on. What do you do?
a) Get up and start dancing, you LOVE this shit, meng!
b) Stand at the bar, nursing your drink. You're not really into this "scene."
c) Start screaming at the DJ to stop "playing all that fucking spic music."
7. The Heat are 2006 NBA Champs! You celebrate by
a) Driving around Hialeah honking your horn, in el coache which is crammed full of your homies and has missing hubcaps
b) Ordering another round at the Round Up
c) Basketball? You were too busy catching the PGA Tournament. That Tiger Woods is black and ugly as sin, he is.
8. How many people live at your current residence?
a) Nine. But since abuelita moved in with her second cousin from Caracas today, eleven.
b) Four. Me, my wife, our two kids, and we'll count Rover too since the buddy ol' pal is part of our family.
c) Two, until me and my lesbian partner decide to adopt a kid from Somalia.
9. True/False lightning round:
I have never once uttered the phrase, "Man, I really need some sun!"
I have a picture of the Virgin de Guadalupe hanging from my rear view mirror
I attended one of the following high schools: Belen, Lourdes Academy, Beach High.
I attended one of the following high schools: Country Day, Ransom Everglades, Gulliver, anything with "Hillel" in it.
When I get off the bus in Broward, I say things like, "Wow, look at all of them white people!"
I have never taken the bus before.
I like my beef well done and charred to a crisp, cut into strips.
I like my beef as rare as possible, with a side of horseradish.
My favorite food is arroz con pollo.
I have never eaten anything con anything.
I hate Fidel Castro because he is the most tyrannous dictator to have ever lived.
I hate Fidel Castro because NOW look at all them wetbacks now washin' up on shore!
10. You are trapped indoors during a hurricane. What are you doing?
a) Praying to one of the fifteen statuettes of the Blessed Virgin which are scattered throughout the house.
b) Watching the hurricane coverage on TV and wondering if your insurance carrier is going to go bankrupt.
c) Slitting your wrists. Your daddy started the insurance company 30 years ago and after with all these payouts to those goddamn Mexicans, you will be bankrupt in two weeks.
Results
Mostly C's: You are white and proud of it. You drive a beat up Chevy pick up, fly the Confederate flag, watch NASCAR religiously, and take off your baseball hat whenever someone mentions "America" or "George Bush." You kick the shit out if anyone who doesn't do the same. You have never been to a orthodontist (or a dentist, for that matter), and firmly believe that the brown people are the root of all evil. This is why you are moving to Tampa.
Mostly B's: You are white, hey, you know, it's all good. See, in your Anthropology 101 class at FSU, you learned that there was such a thing as "ethnocentrism" or worse, "Eurocentrism." This is why you only buy toiletries from the Body Shop and make sure that Bob Marley's "Redemption Song" is on constant rotation in your CD player. You love brown people, in fact, you dated an Ecuadorian girl in college once and she was pretty cute! You might be baffled as to why some people hate your guts in Miami, but hey, that's ok, you're the White Oppressor and this is to be expected.
Mostly A's: You are not white. In fact, not only are you not white, you probably didn't even take this quiz yourself (unless someone translated it into Spanish, in which case, a big thank you to whomever you are). Relax. You're cool. You're among your own. You're in Hialeah.
