I have news for you, Rashid. You're not an American yet. Neither am I, for that matter. Even though I hold a US passport, dutifully file my taxes every April 15th, and vote in every Presidential election, it took a 3 day cruise to the Bahamas for me to realize that while I do reside in within the continent of the United States, in no way does this translate to qualifying as an American. ¿Quiere usted ser un Americano, mi amigo? A Carnival cruise may well be the best investment you'll ever make. Here's a primer on how to become a true, red-blooded American, weekend cruise style:
1. Food
Dispense with notion that all you need is three square meals of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Real Americans eat, 'round the clock, 24 x 7, no exceptions. Buffet-style meals are key. Forget about "ala carte". This is a fancy French concept for 90 pound weaklings who needed our help in WWII and never said "merci" once. Also, there are no such things as "breakfast foods" or "dinner entrees." If you want a cheeseburger at 8AM or Frosted Flakes at 6PM, go ahead and indulge. It is not only your privilege, it is practically a Constitutional right. You can always pick out a bona fide American quickly, because he's one who, when confronted with a surfeit of fatty foods at a buffet, still breaks into a (grunting) sprint to be first in line.
2. Dress
Comfort is key. Comfort is #1. Comfort supersedes all other elements of dress, including style, form, propriety, and quality. True Americans, like the Carnival cruise-goers, understand that the function of clothing is not express creativity or make a statement. Rather, it should enhance and augment your sole purpose for living. That's right, eating. All you skinny American-wannabes should run to Wal-Mart and buy as many pants with elasticated waists as you can find. Muu-muus, oversized T-shirts, tent-shaped dresses....all these should be the cornerstone of your wardrobe. Bright florals and polka dots are considered festive, so put away your chic black burqhas. You don't want to be a FOB forever, do you?
3. Entertainment
Activities like the opera, drama, theatre, cricket, and tennis are best confined to the Old World. American cruise ship style, we want to see you acclimate by busting out one of the following: The Chicken Dance, The Conga Line, The Electric Slide, or a traditional national favorite, The White Man's Overbite. Lest you think us Americans are all about mindless dancing, you can also choose from an array of wholesome sports, like gambling, shuffleboard, inner tubing, tanning, and (you guessed it) eating.
4. Gender Politics
Perhaps being under surveillance by the Secret Police in Kazakhstan was a drag. How in god's name will Suhail ever ask for your hand in marriage, now that the incriminating photographs of you and that Turkish barber shaving your, ahem, hair, have surfaced? No need to hang your head in dishonor, little harlot. In America, having your Lady Parts shaved by your suitor is de riguer third date protocol! Of course, we understance your initial reticence. Don't worry, if you do as cruise-goers do, lots and lots of Cherry Kamikaze shots should help take the edge off. See? Isn't liberty great?
5. Rules of Engagement
(a) I don't know where you come from, but here in the good ol' USA, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps! We don't believe in rewarding laziness by creating a welfare state, nossir. That's why you can stuff your face as much as you want, but "island drinks" cost extra (slap on an extra $5 for a commemorative cruise highball glass). Don't like it? Well then you can go back to where you came from.
(b) Getting drunk and falling over is fine, as long as you're simultaneously smoking, eating, and wearing a bathing suit ten sizes too small.
(c) Don't feel bad because your husband only coughed up 10 goats for your dowry. Get even. In the cruise-goer's handbook, married American women are allowed to cheat on their husbands if the latter also go on singles cruises. This is the perfect scenario for newly emigrated mujeres, because if things get out of hand, you can always blame it on the effects of the drink.
