I went to Express and got myself a gold lame tube top that shows off my fabulous tits, which are encased in my new Victoria's Secret Deluxe Waterworks bra! The lace kind, with the matching thong that is sticking out of my low rise jeans. This will tell guys that I enjoy having sex in public places, and am great at giving head! I am also carrying a Louis Vuitton purse that all my other girlfriends have! This means that he will be proud to take me about town, because I have class and probably tip valets well! For accessories, I am wearing a sterling silver Tiffany heart toggle bracelet! It proves that I will make a good wife and mother, and that I am worthy of meeting his mom! Are you crazy? Of course I don't want a beer! I don't drink beer! I'm sleek and sophisticated, remember? I only drink apple martinis with Grey Goose. Who are you calling "wasted?" I've only had six of these so far! Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to spill on your shoes.
That's our song! Here we go! Oh my god, everyone is watching me! Everyone is watching me, me, me! Time to flip my hair and act bored and disinterested. God, I hope my lip gloss is shimmering under this spotlight. It's from Chanel's "Mystere" line, and I paid $60 for it at Sephora. Shit! Missed the first line! Oh good, that's ok, all the girls in the audience are singing along with me because they know the words to "I Will Survive." Think I'm going to stick my hand out and wave it wildly while I sing, so that I can channel that "strong black woman" vibe. Even though I'm from Wisconsin. Was that cheesy? Oh god, was that cheesy? Fuck you Chris! You're the reason why I'm up here! I can't sing for shit and I hate the spotlight, but the righteousness of my cause will rally drunk girls everywhere tonight! To fully exorcise my demons, I shall change the lyrics to "...oh as I long as I know how to love/I hope Chris fucking dies!" My girlfriends in the audience will cheer and applaud my courage! I shall feel the full extent of our Girl Power! All the guys at this bar will know that us women stand together as one united entity, like LaVerne and Shirley times ten, and nothing will stand in the way of our sisterhood! Oh my god, why is that girl in with the bad hair extensions looking at me weird? Do I have spinach in my teeth? Whew, good, she's fatter than I am. Porker bitch, I will not be intimidated by you.
Is that really how my voice sounds over the microphone? I sound like a hyena being strangled! And I'm too shitfaced to make out the rest of the song! Um...is that Chris I see, walking in with his date? I can't tell if she's cute or not. She'd better not be cuter than me! The whole purpose of this evening was to prove to Chris that he can never do better than me. What the...EVERY guy in here is checking out Chris' stripper ho date. How dare they, I'M the one that's on stage! Oh shit shit shit, now Chris is pointing at me and laughing! And that miniskirted ho is cracking up too!
Fine. I shall toss my hair gracefully and finish the song. Then I will make out with the nearest inebriated frat boy that I can find, right in front of Chris, so that he'll see that I've moved on, quicker than he would have ever thought. I guess this guy will do. A tad bit overweight...and his breath smells like Doritos and stale beer...but I'm going to pretend that I'm too drunk to care that he's grabbing my ass and shoving his tongue in my mouth! Uh gross, he's all sweaty. Where's Chris? I hope he's watching this and hating life.
What? Chris left? He can't do this to me! I am an empowered woman! I sing girl power karaoke songs on stage! I have a Bloomingdale's charge card! See this Chinese character tattooed right above my ass crack? It means "female energy"! I have so much of it, I'm going to have another apple martini! Bitches!
