Thank you for letting me hang at your pad. That hummus stuff that we had for dinner sure was good! Ever since my daddy threw up in the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, I have always been cautious about eating food prepared by non-Americans. The Japs invented the bird flu, you know. So I wasn't too cool with the eating with our fingers from the same serving platter thing. I was worried about catching jihad of the clap. Well, I was still hungry after dinner. So I asked your security advisor feller where I could find a Big Mac, and you know what that sumbitch said? He said you guys don't have a McDonald's! No McDonalds? Whoa Nellie, that makes you guys a Third World Nation! I'm gonna have a little talk with my buddies at the IMF about that.
Anyhoo, about that civil war problem that you've got brewing. What's got your panties in a bunch, boy? I'll put out in time honey, honest I will. Don't look so worried, the US will pull out before we implode inside of you. Remember way back in 1972 when we were just fooling around? And you wouldn't give it up unless I pledged my undying loyalty? Well now that you've signed exclusive contracts with Halliburton, I'm all yours, baby! You couldn't get rid of me if you tried! Of course I'll still respect you in the morning, I'm just here to take what I want from your oil reserv...I mean, establish democracy, aren't I? No, no, Vietnam and the Congo were two completely different scenarios. We were too hasty pulling out from the Congo, and Vietnam, man that occupation felt so good we were exploding all over the place. But we were younger and more foolish back then. We got self-control now. But we gotta stay the course. My daddy and I didn't spend all that time convincing you to drop trou, to suddenly have you become a tease.
Don't listen to those liberal naysayers. My boys are here to get the job done, and when we're through, Iraq will be carrying the proud legacy of American multinationals and Big Oil corporations. I promise. Look at this face. Isn't this a face you can trust? Wait...where are you going? Honey? I'LL PULL OUT IN TIME! I PROMISE!
Bitch. Here you go, flaunting those massive oil fields again. I swear, the older we get, the harder it is to talk you into bed.
Your buddy,
George W. Bush
