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"The truthiness will set you free!" - Stephen Colbert

South Beach Glossary of Terms

Three years of living on South Beach brings about certain side effects. One of them is amassing a whole new vocabulary. If you have never visited The Republic of South Beach before, here is a handy glossary of terms for reference. Shots up to date? Sufficient cash? Comfortable shoes? Valid passport? Let's go...

American - Term denoting a person of Caucasian descent. Does not apply to other ethnic groups, inspite of the fact that they might also be "Americans."

Asshole - What people call the bouncer when they can't get into Mynt

Amari - Patron saint of free Finlandia vodka at 3AM

Babe - Blanket salutation for every girl whose name you cannot remember (see "Dude")

Beverly - One of the three Asian girls on South Beach (see "Grace" and "Jenny Yip")

Bisexual - Gay

Bicurious - Gay

Bump - What people do "a little of just to sober up." Taking numerous bumps, as long as they are "little" ones, do not equal a chemical addiction.

Culo - Refers to a woman's posterior, also a handy phrase to use when yelling out the car window to get a girl's attention

Cono - What you say when you turn around to find that someone snaked your $20 cocktail at The Setai

College Degree - Tertiary education conferred upon 0.0000003% of South Beach residents

Conspiracy - Alleged master plan hatched by powerful Latins and Jews to keep the white man down in Dade County

Crunk - (Noun) Specific genre of Dirty South rap popularized by Lil Jon. (Verb) To get excited/wound up while out clubbing.

Carajo - Popular Puerto Rican slang term for "Fuck" (see "un Cono Carajo")

Dating Dilemma - Unfortunate state of affairs stemming from fact that you have gone out with everyone in your peer group on South Beach

Dick - The guy at Pizza Rustica that buys the last slice of thin crust cheese pizza post clubbing at 4am. Also what people call the bouncer when they can't get into Mynt (see "Asshole")

Dwayne Wade - God (see Antonym: "Ricky Williams")

Dude - A blanket salutation for every guy who's name you can't remember

Ecstacy - Popular late 90s recreational drug, still enjoyed by club kids at Mansion and Space

Excedrin - Panacea for those killer morning hangovers

Grace - One of the three Asian girls on South Beach (see "Beverly" and "Jenny Yip")

Jenny Yip - Owner and proprieter of Miss Yip Restaurant. One of the three Asian girls on South beach (see "Beverly" and "Grace")

Jewban - Term denoting a person of Cuban and Jewish heritage. Unofficially responsible for "the Conspiracy" (see "Conspiracy" and "Dating Dilemna")

Job - What most women on South Beach are highly allergic to

La China - Term denoting any woman of Asian descent

Meal Ticket - What makes women flock to The Forge on Wednesday, The Setai on Thursdays, Smith and Wollensky on Fridays, and any condo opening party. (see "I'm A Real Estate Developer")

Memorial Day Weekend - Urban hip hop weekend, reason for mass exodus of the white folk from South Beach

I'm A Real Estate Developer - Most popular man's response to the question, "What do you do?" (see also "Meal Ticket")

I'm A Model - Most popular women's response to the question, "What do you do?" (see also "I'm in Pharmaceutical Sales")

I'm in Pharmaceutical Sales - Most popular unsuccessful model's response to the questions, "What do you do?"

Kendall - Where a person is really from when he/she claims to be from Miami

Parking Spot - Pervasive South Beach urban legend

Peeps - Term denoting close neighborhood/friendly affiliations.

Props - Acknowledgement of superiority, usually earned by sexual conquest

Ray - Personal trainer at Mirador North Tower. Part-time Crusader for Christ

Reggaeton - Genre of music combining Latin and Reggae influences. Popular accompanying sountrack to yelling "Culo" out the car windows (see "Culo")

Ricky Williams - Devil (see Antonym: "Dwayne Wade")

Spanish - Lingua franca of South Beach. What you had better master if you live and work there.

Text message - What you do to let your peeps know that you have arrived at the club (see "Peeps")

Un Cono Carajo - Popular Puerto Rican expression, denoting a person who is good looking from a distance, and hideous up close. Literally translated: "Damn! (She's hot!)...Fuuuckk (She's heinous)"

Vodka Cranberry - What you drink to mask the taste of bad well vodka

Vodka Red Bull - What sounds like a good idea after several Vodka Cranberries
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      It's true. I don't spell check. I also have circus music playing in my head during staff meetings, and have never donated to the Special Olympics. Ok, once. But only because they were giving out "thank you" cookies.
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