If your kid likes Snow White:
Synopsis:
Queen doing needlework accidentally pricks herself, and, seeing her blood upon the snow, wishes for a similarly (and creepily) colored child. She gets her wish. Pasty ass Snow White is born to a king, whom by now has replaced Snow White's biological mother with Evil Stepmom ver 2.0. Evil Stepmom is not only mean, she also happens to be one crazy motherfucker. Fortunately, the loneliness caused by her derangement is assuaged by her Talking Mirror, which answers insightful questions such as, "Who is the fairest of them all?" and "Does this robe make my butt look fat?" Evil Stepmom then pulls a Tony Soprano and orders a hit on Snow White.
Or so she thinks. Time passes, and her Talking Mirror informs her that no, she is not the finest ho in all of the Kingdom, Snow White is. Incensed, Evil Stepmom crashes the midget orgy that is Snow White's new living arrangement. Truly a product of royal inbreeding, Snow White naively accepts Evil Stepmom's dubious gift of an apple, is poisoned, and drops dead. But wait! Luckily for her, Prince Charming happens to be rolling though the hood. He sees Snow White, is seized by a bout of necrophilia, and demands that the midgets step off and let him ravage her dead body. Thus awakened, Snow White rides into the sunset with her Prince Charming, where they spend many happy weekends shopping for teapot doilies at Pottery Barn.
Themes:
Oedipus complex, narcissism, midget fetish, mental retardation, necrophilia
Analysis:
Your kid fucking hates you. I'm assuming, of course, that your child is a "she" because if this is little Timmy's favorite story, we have a whole new set of issues. Your constant need for reassurance of physical attractiveness and unabashed vanity has left your child feeling lonely and unloved. As a teenager, this psychological void will manifest itself by your child's outright rejection of your role as a parental figure, seeking approval instead from socially permissive peer groups. Dungeons and Dragons, the marching band, midget sex romps - all these are logical outgrowths of the unfortunate child who has you, Evil Stepmom, as her parent and guardian.
Prediction:
Despite the crippling effects of your upbringing, it is highly likely that your child is naturally intelligent. Once she graduates high school, she will likely choose to attend college as far away from your icy sphere of influence as possible. Such places are called "Berkeley", "Oberlin," or "Amherst." There, she will act out her feelings of rage and inadequacy by indulging in repeated bong hits, marching for Tibet, and midnight circle drumming.
After earning her degree in the Psychology of Female Hysteria, she will start work for a low paying, yet socially impressive non-profit such as the ACLU. She'll date a string of stoned hippie guys with a penchant for ripping off Sarte. Soon, she decides that she wants to marry her Prince Charming after all. As a final assent to her actualized self, she shaves her armpits, gets her real estate license, and hangs out at Houston's between 6PM-8PM on Thursday evenings, in hopes that she will someone be spirited away in a 7-series Beemer. Failing that, her eating disorder reemerges (an aversion to anything round, red, or remotely apple-like).
Recommendation:
Yank that book out of her hands. Replace with Cosmopolitan magazine. She'll still be fed a fantasy, but at least she'll wear deodorant.
Famous Snow White fans:
Fiona Apple, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, your psycho ex-girlfriend
If your kid likes Jack and the Beanstalk:
Synopsis:
Jack, the village dumbass, trades his family cow for five magic beans that some shady dude gives him, instead of selling his mom's cow at the market. Jack goes home and shows his mom the beans. Predictably, mom freaks out and tosses the beans into their garden, where the seeds take root and grow into a giant beanstalk. Jack climbs the beanstalk and upon reaching the top, is confronted by a gnarly looking (and apparently, man-eating) giant who stomps around saying cryptic things like, "Fee Fie Fo Fum/I smell the blood of an Englishman." A Manchester United fan himself, Jack is understandably scared shitless. Fortunately, the giant's wife saves Jack by distracting the giant. Jack not only escapes, he manages to steal a few of the giant's gold coins. Mom is overjoyed.
The second time around, Jack pulls an even better lift - a hen that lays golden eggs. Again, the hapless giantess helps him. (In the Hans Christen Anderson version, the giantess was a bookie, and believed that Jack possessed invaluable insider info on Manchester's upcoming match with Cardiff). Amazingly enough, they manage to fuck up even this cushy scenario, and Jack is forced to ascend the beanstalk again.
This time, Jack steals a magic harp that sings to itself. The harp calls out to it's rightful owner, the giant, who chases Jack down the beanstalk. The giantess can't be bothered with Jack anymore, as Manchester United sucks, and she's lost about 50 quid on the match. Jack has a harrowing escape and upon reaching the ground, hacks down the beanstalk with an axe. The giant is killed instantly. Jack and his mom eke out a living in that small village, charging admission for the harp's performances. Business isn't too good. The harp is an avid Kenny G fan.
Themes:
Oedipus complex, theft, commerce, reciprocity, murder
Analysis:
The good news is, damn, talk about ROI! Your kid is obsessed with making money, and better yet, wants to share his spoils with you. This is extremely rare, especially since it sounds as if you have continually ridden his ass for being a lazy, good-for-nothing sonofabitch. Despite his perceived naivete and lack of basic business acumen, your child possesses a real drive for accumulating wealth.
The bad news is, you have raised yourself a real little shyster. What kind of person breaks into someone's house, steals their wares, solicits help from the victim's wife, then exploits their good nature by returning and stealing their shit all over again? Worse, while your kid possesses a knack for amassing fortunes, wealth management is clearly not his forte (evidence: dead golden egg laying chicken). Perhaps it is time to give Merrill Lynch a call.
Prediction:
After dropping out of HBS or Wharton, your little underachieving prince will nonetheless learn a very important business mandate - whenever possible, always try to get something for nothing. This serves him well later on in life, when he starts his very first pyramid scheme. You'll be overjoyed at the sudden influx of lavish gifts and expensive vacations. Don't celebrate too soon. The FBI will catch on, and bust him under RICO for swindling millions of dollars from little old ladies with powder blue hair. While doing time at the federal penitentiary, he will meet all sorts of seedy underworld characters, among them the head of a Russian organized crime unit.
Cut to three years. Your kid will skip town early on good behavior, start up a shell corporation with the Russian mafiosi, then proceed to dominate the sprawling wasteland of oil politics. Five yachts, fifteen Bentleys, and three ex-wives later, the company will go semi-legit. It will be listed on the Dow Jones Stock Exchange as "Halliburton." His cockeyed college buddy, Dick Cheney, will run the show. Your kid? He'll be doing lines off a stripper's tits, who'll be cooing to him that he has biggest beanstalk she's ever seen.
Recommendation:
Yank that book out of his hands. Replace with SEC Codes and Guidelines. If he's going to launder money, he'd better learn how not to get caught.
Famous Jack and the Beanstalk fans:
Donald Trump, Scrooge McDuck, Montgomery Burns, the Bush family
If your kid likes The Secret of NIMH:
Synopsis:
Worried widower mouse, Mrs Brixby, has a very sick son. Their digs are decidedly ghetto - a cinder block on a wheat field. Harvest time is approaching, and Mrs Brixby is perplexed, because she needs to get them to fuck out of dodge before they get plowed over. However, moving her frail son might kill him. A cracked out Great Owl suggests that she seek help from a group of rats living underneath rose bush. Two rats, the wise Nicodemus (who bears an eerie resemblance to David Koresh) and the precocious Justin, befriend Mrs. Brixby and agree to help her.
As the plot unfolds, Mrs. Brixby discovers that her dead husband was an unwitting subject of NIMH's laboratory experiments. Some rats, including Nicodemus and Justin, managed to escape. NIMH, if you haven't figured out by now, is an acronym for "National Institute of Mental Health." As a result of these clandestine experiments, the rats become super smart. Like, friggin' NASA brilliant. They figure out how to harness the power of electricity, build engineering feats such as elevators and lit underground chambers, and basically live their lives in their tricked out rat pads.
The kicker is, there is a growing awareness that stealing electricity from humans is wrong. Nicodemus leads the collective effort to resettle in another place, where they can live independently. Their plan is almost foiled by evil moochers Jenner and his sidekick Sullivan. Capers ensue. I can't remember how the rest of the story goes, because frankly, Nicodemus scared the hell out of me.
Themes:
Oedipus complex, mortality, animal rights, communism, free-market capitalism
Analysis:
You have raised yourself a communist despot. On the surface, The Secret of NIMH is a sweet, heart-warming tale about the struggles of rodents against their human oppressors. What is more insidious, is the book's raging pinko flag-waving propaganda. The proletariat (rats) live out a satisfactory, yet morally bankrupt existence under the provision of The Human's Electricity (ref: "The Iron Rice Bowl", Maoist China). Fed up with the knowledge that their sustenance hinges on theft, the proleteriat then revolt and agitate for the institution of free-market capitalism. A fairer system, based on meritocracy and individual responsibility.
This doesn't go over well with some of the bougeoursie (Jenner and Sullivan), who want to maintain the status quo. In real life, Communism falls, the Reds don business suits and become stockbrokers, and everyone eats Big Macs. Not so in The Secret of NIMH. The proletariat rats struggle mightily, but are faced with the reality of long winters and hungry spells without the provision of The Human's Electricity. Many die for this ideological battle, including Nicodemus. And what happens in the end? Your kid is left with the uneasy feeling that if only the proletariat rats would stop their flag waving and babbling about democracy this and individual liberties that, their scrawny little asses would still be alive.
Prediction:
Around age 9, your kid will start with the questions. "How come we have a car, and Kenny's dad doesn't?" "Why is Richie Fernandez hungry all the time?" "Why does that man live in a cardboard box under the freeway?" You should be very careful with your answers. You should not, for instance, say that Kenny's dad doesn't have a car because he's a drunk and a lazy bastard. You should also refrain from pointing to homeless people and saying, "This is what will happen to you if you don't go to college." Sadly, at age 16, your kid will start listening to Bob Dylan and Janis Joplin.
This will signal his bobsled into hell. He'll start wearing hemp, switch majors from pre-med to Eastern Philosophical Thought, and eventually drop out of his overpriced four year liberal arts college. His twenties will be spent living in a commune in a haze of weed smoking and sexual knowledge of tie-dye clad Vassar dropouts. In his early thirties, he will have gained a following based on his manifesto "Karl Marx Is Actually Pretty Cool." By age 40, this following will have grown to the size of a small Third World Nation. He will have changed his name to Bolshevik-Bolshevik, and live out the rest of his life in a remote jungle village. Strangely enough, everyone is short and blue, and his wife bears a strong resemblance to Smurfette.
Recommendation:
Yank that book out of his hands. Replace with The National Geographic. Tell him there is a name for people who live in straw huts without running water or basic sanitation - Communists.
Famous Secret of NIMH fans:
Lenin, Stalin, Fidel Castro, my boss
If your kid likes your secret Playboy stash:
Synopsis:
Adult entertainment magazine founded by Hugh Hefner. Part of a larger conglomerate, including the Playboy Channel, Spice Networks, and Club Jenna. A monthly publication, Playboy publishes photographs of nude women, naked women, and um, more nude women. Since it's inception, Playboy remains the largest selling men's magazine, with circulation upwards of, oh I don't know, the gajillions. Famous Playmates include TV stars Pamela Anderson, Brooke Burke, and Shannen Doherty (I'm using the word "star" loosely here), musical artists Madonna, Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson, and two time beauty queen Vanessa Williams.
Themes:
Oedipus complex, sex, drugs, rock n roll, politics
Analysis:
Despite widespread criticism from religious conservatives and feminists of the Camille Paglia/Susan Faludi ilk, the reason for Playboy's success is that it effectively dovetails sexual titillation with intelligent socio-political commentary. Contemporary liberal philosophers of our time, including PJ O'Rourke, Kurt Vonnegut, Ian Fleming, Nabakov, and Margaret Atwood have all contributed to Playboy's op-ed columns. Indeed, it can be argued that in the face of the rabid right wing backlash, Playboy has constantly and consistently remained a forerunner in providing a fair and balanced forum. And, dare I say it - a strong proponent for the sexual liberation of women everywhere.
Prediction:
Pat yourself on the back. Your kid is going to turn out just fine. Raising him on images of Playboy models (healthy and with meat on their bones, not skinny and anorexic) will prevent him from developing a warped expectation of the female archetype. Moreover, showing your kid that you are comfortable with your sexuality will set him at ease with his own perverted little desires. He will be less likely to do shit like run off and join the seminary and molest altar boys. Also, it is highly likely that he will develop an interest in politics and someday run for President. His platform of social progressive and fiscal moderacy will win the hearts of Americans everywhere. If he actually reads the articles, that is.
Recommendation:
Renew your subscription immediately! To fully augment the educational benefits of Playboy, you may want to peruse the Centerfold section with your kid, pointing out the various anatomical features of women. It will be a heart rending, parent-child bonding experience. The demystification of female genitalia will be a huge boon for him when he tries to finger Jenny Hoggarty in junior high.
Famous Playboy fans:
3 billion heterosexual men and counting
