1. Setting the Date
Dates, numbers, times of day - all these figure prominently in the Chinese lexicon. Every important occasion warrants a visit to the fortune teller, who will tell you the most auspicious times and dates to get married. Inevitably, this will conflict with little Lindsay's bat mitzvah, Uncle Mortie's wedding, or Aunt Sadie's visit to the doctor for her monthly bursitis checkup. Advice: Stick that info in your purse and fehgedditaboutit. Make yourself something to eat. Complain to anyone who will listen.
2. Budget
This is a tricky one. When discussing money, especially family money, the Chinese are famously delicate. This fact is echoed in their peculiarly ritual-cloaked banking practices in the republics of Malaysia and Thailand, where the Chinese are financial powerhouses. Equally diplomatic and ritual-laden is the Jewish community, itself a financial powerhouse in the republics of New York and Miami. How do you get both sides talking about money, without the discomfort factor? Easy. Stroke your (imaginary beard) and sigh a lot. Tell Papa Wong that his precious lotus flower is getting married, and what would the relatives say if she didn't have the best celebration, ever? Why, they would think the House of Wong were peasants! Have your fiance do the same with his side. Don't stop until both families have committed to some serious cash. If any relatives balk at the cost - make yourself something to eat. Complain to anyone who will listen.
3. Guest list
Mama Wong wants to invite her mahjong buddies, her high school calligraphy teacher, and the guy that sells her cheap ducks in Chinatown. Papa Goldstein thinks it would be rude to not have his lawyer, his dentist, and the entire JCC bingo club at your wedding. Who gets to invite whom? And how many? What about all the friends you want to invite? The answer is simple: Resign yourself to the fact that both families have hijacked your wedding. You will be surrounded by a lot of strange old people who smell weird, and love pinching your cheeks. Then, make yourself something to eat. Complain to anyone who will listen.
4. Location
When deciding on the location for our wedding, the fundamental question was: Miami or LA? Little Israel, or Little China? Not wanting to plan an out-of-state wedding, we decided on Miami. Of course, this took some finageling on my part. Yell-oh sistahs, listen up. You do not have to have your wedding at Chung King Palace in Rowland Heights. Mama and Papa will be dissapointed that cheongsam-clad village girls won't be pointing and giggling at your wedding get-up. But stand firm, and repeat ad nauseum, "They have a Chinatown in North Miami Beach. It's better value for money." They will nonetheless be miffed, so make sure that on your wedding day, they catch a glimpse of the giant roast pig that your fiance was supposed to trade you for. Don't let the rabbi see it. You've worked hard on this, so eat the roast pig. Complain to anyone who will listen.
5. Music
Think you know your fiance's musical tastes? Jammed out to The White Stripes, Band of Horses, and Arcade Fire together? I have news for you. You don't know shit. Inside that strapping young man's body, is a 300lb black woman named Big Chocolate Love. She comes out in full force when you're putting your playlist together. Big Chocolate loves Little Richard, James Brown, and Diana Ross. Big Chocolate does not dance to anything without disco lights and a dynomite sound system. Big Chocolate does not like any of that new fangled 50 Cent rap shit, unless it's Biz Markie or Sugarhill Gang, and then watch out, because Big Chocolate will be on the microphone, singing about being in the ho-tel, mo-tel, Holiday I-nn. If this isn't your cup of tea, compromise. At least you'll get your pink Hello Kitty cake. Eat it, and complain to anyone who will listen.
6. Food
Easily the touchiest of touchy subjects, food is the centerpiece in both Jewish and Chinese weddings. In fact, food is so important in the Chinese culture, that Chinese weddings have done away with the dancing part altogether. Every single traditional Chinese wedding that I've been to consists of more than 400 people seated in a gilded banquet hall, stuffing their faces with platter after platter of food, while every species of animal - feathered, furred, or scaled - repose quietly, head still intact, in their serving bowls. This won't fly with the nice bubbes out there, especially the pork and shellfish part. There are no two ways about it - stick with boring chicken, darling. Eat it, and complain to anyone who will listen.
7. Wedding Gown
Mama Wong wants to see in you in a red and gold cheongsam, veiled in heavy red satin, delicate little lotus feet shod in silk slippers. Mother-in-law Goldstein insists on taking you wedding dress shopping at the Jewish Bride's Mecca - the bridal section of Saks Fifth Avenue at Bal Harbor. What do you wear? How do you please everyone, and still look gorgeous? My friends, go Italian. Italian clothing designers are the fashion equivalent of chicken. Always in style, never offensive, and best of all, (repeat after me) good value for money. When you're done starving yourself for the fittings, make something and eat it. Complain to anyone who will listen.
If you've survived these seven essential steps to planning your Big Fat Chinese-Jewish wedding, L'chayim and Gong Xi Fa Cai! You are on your way to a happy and successful marriage. Best of all, you never have to plan another stressful event like this again. Until your kid's bar mitzvah, of course. Choy Vey.
I have 100 comments to write on this post, but the most important one is this:
Your readers need to know that Big Chocolate Love does the best white boy shuffle - EVER.
Watching him dance is an introduction to the joy of loving that funky beat...