This morning, I was called into private, closed-door meeting with you, where you proceeded to "clarify" our agency's policy on work appropriate appearance. Imagine my surprise, when you targeted not my 4" hooker heels, or my whore-of-Babylon Dior perfume, but rather my hair. You said it was "too long" and "seductive" and "scented." That you noticed how people would tend to stare at it during presentations, rather than focus on my media plan. You then smiled and patted my hand, telling me not to worry, because other than my "hair issue," you thought I was doing "just a bang-up job."
Well Nancy, I've given your input some thought (i.e. while taking a much needed pee break after your nonsensical lecture). I'm a reasonable person. Work feedback is very important to me. Self-actualization and all that crap. But while I was sitting there, pondering my choices on banana clips versus ponytail holders, I kept circling back to this thought:
Are you crazy??
Our CEO likes to pontificate about how we're the biggest and baddest in the advertising and PR industry. Because, as the signs scattered throughout our offices (worldwide!) like to remind us, we are in the business of Perception, Perception, Perception. As an employee of this esteemed organization yourself, maybe it's time we gave you some well deserved feedback on how others perceive you.
First, there's your attire. When other directors (you are a director, aren't you? Even though I suspect that HR is not technically a department, but rather a collection of church moms?) are swaning around in their immaculately pressed suits, you tend toward an almost daily uniform of black leggings, a clingy sweater, and flats. Your shoes are fine. A little scuffed, and I know you bought that shit for $8.99 at Payless, but fine nonetheless. Those leggings and sweaters though...
Honey, I know J-Lo put big booties on the menu. I like a little junk in the trunk myself. But see, the difference between you and J-Lo is...about 180 lbs. Did you read in Vogue that black leggings were slimming, and go to town with it? This only works for models, my dear. Those girls starve themselves! You could maybe start by cutting down on the constant snacking. Stop pretending to buy extra large sheet cakes "for birthdays." We know you eat half all by yourself. Try limiting your caloric intake to 3,000 calories a day. Maybe then the guys in Creative will stop doing shadow puppets on your ass, whenever your back is turned. If you must flaunt your behind, invest in a couple of thongs. This will no doubt be a fire hazard. But it is a lot more palatable than the cellulite ridden quadra-butt that we have come to know and fear.
Second, the clingy sweater issue. Nancy, Nancy. I know you want to shake watcha momma gave ya, but the rap song was referring to a nubile African-American girl's ass. On the dancefloor. Not, I repeat, not those gigantic mounds of droopy flesh that you call your mammary glands. Or those bags of oatmeal underneath, otherwise known as your three stomachs. Did you not see our CFO actually recoiling in disgust when you walked into the staff meeting? You were wearing a tight, bright orange sweater! Made of polyester! Cut low, to show off your wrinkly cleavage(s). Have mercy, woman. Invest in a girdle and an undershirt. In the meantime, Wal-Mart carries a great selection of Corporate Mu-Muus.
Yours Sincerely,
Bev
PR, Key Accounts
ps. You might want to talk to Julio, the flaming gay, Dominican graphic designer, about his hot pink buzz cut. His cube is right next to the conference room where we meet with clients. I believe this falls under your current standards as "distracting."
psII. I know you ate my low-fat cottage cheese. I'm pissed, but only a little. This is progress. At least this is healthier than your usual midday snack of Twinkies and a chocolate Yoo-Hoo.
I know you wrote this about your current HR Director, but having worked with you in the past I couldn't help but think you were discussing the HR director at the company we used to work at together. All you needed to do is add a paragraph about the excessive body hair abounding on the female HR director that we shared at our previous job, and I would swear it was the same person...