Before sundown:
1. Make sure dress is of a properly somber color. God is extra serious today. You should be too.
2. Polish engagement ring to make sure that it shines as brilliantly as possible. It will be on full display. Remember - a cleaner ring is a bigger ring.
3. Book mani/pedi. Be sure to tell the manicurist you want the "I am Not a Stripper French Manicure."
4. Stock up on lots of DVDs and books. In 2 hours, your blood sugar levels will plummet. You will want to fucking kill each other, and thus need plenty of distraction.
After sundown:
1. Apply lipstick. Blot. Apply sheer coat of powder. Reapply lipstick. You are now ready to be kissed by 10,000 acquaintances with weird breath. No, wait. That's you with the weird breath.
2. Pop breath mint.
3. Wrap shawl around torso, as air conditioning is going full blast right now, and your nipples are no doubt fully erect and visible.
4. Help your man inspect his yarmulke for signs of grease and dandruff.
5. Stop trying to decipher how much Yo-yo Ma's going rate is for Kol Nidre.
6. Stop staring at the 16 year old's boob job. This is a day for seeking forgiveness, dammit.
7. Realize that the 16 year old is a dude, and that he has man boobs. Seriously ponder if you are now beyond all redemption.
8. Breath smells weird. Pop another breath mint.
9. Discreetly take out pen and NY Times crossword puzzle
10. Nudge your man awake when his drooling and snoring becomes too apparent.
11. Both of your breaths smell like Soviet-era bathroom stalls. Resolve to not kiss for the next 24 hours.
Yom Kippur
Sunrise:
1. Wake up feeling ravenous. Breath smells like a cat shat in your mouth. Swallow entire can of breath mints. Feel 100% better because of sudden sugar rush.
2. Blood sugar level plummets suddenly.
3. If in room with significant other and sharp objects, leave premises immediately, as you are likely to inflict bodily harm.
4. Discover that being starved and light headed feels almost like being stoned, except munchies are not allowed. Listen to Pink Floyd and The Beatles on repeat.
5. Become very, very depressed.
Sundown:
1. Blood sugar levels now dangerously low. Bring economy pack of breath mints. Suck on them continuously for extra calories.
2. Refrain from wondering about the sex lives of old people. You are here on serious forgiveness type business.
3. Wrap shawl around torso asap, as the old people are now staring at your too-cold pointy nipples.
4. Hunger level at maximum. Trip hardcore on all the pretty temple lights.
5. Refrain from asking significant other to "talk me down, man, talk me down."
6. Shofar sounds. Try not to cry tears of joy.
6. Take dinner rolls out of purse. Share bounty with significant other.
7. Reflect on world and state of affairs, like how you both are so much closer now, having suffered through a famine together.
