We cruise around town in our German and Japanese cars. Attend meetings in expensively tailored Italian suits. Boot up and tune in with laptops that were conceived of and put together by foreign labor. Night out on the town at a swanky club? It's Grey Goose vodka, not provincial Bud Light. Perhaps the cluster fuck that is the Bush administration has something to do with this. Where the American flag waved high and proud, post 9/11, American tourists are now sticking Canadian flag decals on their backpacks. In the political sandbox that is the United Nations, we have become the weird fat kid that nobody wants to play with.
It is time to regain our lost valor. To stand tall again, as our forefathers once did. We have a reason. Something to hang our hat on. My friends, it is time to recognize that American porn is the best thing that has ever happened to the world.
Oh, we've come a long way from our sepia-tone, 70's style disco bush days. Where production quality was abominable, and we were subjected to the torture of unnecessarily protracted conversations between porn stars. "Sally, please come in here for some dick-tation." Raised eyebrow. Cue ridiculous bow-chicka-bow-bow soundtrack.
Those mom and pop, halcyon days of black market porn are over. The Americans have emerged as a formidable, well-oiled superpower in the international porn arena. Forget dominating the porn world, if it weren't for a couple of enterprising guys with their home videos, the porn industry would never have come to fruition. How do we kick so much ass? By the employing the time-honored American principles of innovation and hard work.
It was us Americans that pioneered the three key ingredients that make a successful porn. The over sized boob job, the penetration close-up, and the money shot. Every good porn worth it's salt has these three elements, otherwise you're better off with your mommy's copy of "Driving Miss Daisy." We have taken this formula and made magic with it. The sheer entrepreneurial genius of Bang Bros, In the VIP, and MILF Hunter (all homegrown Miami talent, thank you very much) has resulted in a slew of copycat ventures. In this respect, we trump other countries yet again. While other porn actresses are pale, untoned, and vaguely resemble younger versions of Meryl Streep, our porn stars could bounce a quarter off their abs, and are then air brushed to within an inch of their lives. Try telling that to the English. I ventured out into foreign porn territory a few times. Those experiences have scarred me for life.
German porn, for starters, is amusingly fixated on two themes - the shaisa (shit) experience, and the incestuous father-daughter relationship. Both capers are usually conducted with that same intense, studious glare that every Deiter I have worked with brings to the office. "Nein lieber, macht schnell." Uh, no thanks. A gorgeous Beemer 7 might turn my head, but you'll never catch me with a copy of Germany's finest shaisa star.
English porn is a crap shoot. It can sometimes be delightfully quick witted and funny, what with the national propensity for dry humor and double entendres. An English professor at Duke, for example, would relish the irony of doggy-style sex with the secretary on the same table with a copy of "The Remains of the Day." On the other hand, English porn actresses are old and stodgy, and their porn actors have classic Manchester United yob beer bellies. The accent that works so well for Shakespear's sonnets, is awful for porn. "Wank me, you dirty slag! Shag me in me bum!" just...isn't sexy.
In the oyster smorgasbord of disturbing adult videos, however, nothing beats Japanese porn. The highly ordered, meticulously planned Japanese indulge in an almost nationalistic obsession with rape sex. Their female porn stars resemble 12 year old boys, and a good percentage of their male porn actors are over 60. Hentai, the anime version of porn, enjoys a steady following among schoolgirls and businessmen alike. Trippy shit, this. I sat through a full-length hentai feature once, and at one point, both aliens and machines alike were deployed in the deflowering of a girl. For weeks after, I exercised extreme caution while approaching my coffee maker.
So you see, us Yanks have plenty with which to be proud. Not only do we consistently set the gold standard for prime masturbatory material, we have revolutionized the mechanism by which porn is distributed. From dingy, poorly lit XXX-rated theaters, to VHS, to DVDs, we are now able to access porn via the Internet. Not ready to part with your credit card? No problem. Thanks to advertising sponsorships, you can now get near full-length porn at sites like boysfood.com .
What this speaks to is the last great democratization of sexual values. Does bondage turn you on? Pantyhose? What about a clown fetish? The fact that all these different genres are available for free, speaks a heightened awareness of the need for healthy sexual outlets. By demystifying what really goes on in people's fantasy worlds, we emerge as savvier consumers, better educated individuals. Today, we are less fearful of what we don't know. Such empowerment could only happen in an environment that encourages free flowing information exchange. Without censorship, and without the social recrimination. Such a revolution could only happen here, in the States.
Support our great nation.
BUY AMERICAN PORN.
